E-mails from an Asshole

Original ad:

**** Disguisable weapons wanted ****

Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.....

Offering: cash, items for barter

From Me to **********@***********.org (Jeff):

Hey,
I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike


From Jeff to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.


From Me to Jeff:

Jeff,
Here you go:



Looks like a normal spoon, right?



Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike


From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.


From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,
I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.

Mike



From Jeff ****** to Me:

fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can fuck off.


From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,
Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:



At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.



Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.



This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

Let me know if you want any of these items.

Thanks,

Mike


From Jeff ****** to Me:

youre a fucking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother fucker. I hope you get hit by a car. fuck off, eat shit, and die.

10 things better than the Drake and Chris Brown fight

" It's been reported that Drake approached Brown, and they began arguing about Rihanna. That’s when Drake allegedly threw the first two blows at Brown, once in the face and then again with a bottle to his mouth.

Supposedly, the bottle Drake threw at Chris included an angry note which read, “I’m fucking the love of your life deal with it!” "

Here is a short list of things I think are better than the Brown and Drake beef...

10.) Accidental pregnancy.

9.)  Alarm clocks on Monday mornings.

8.) The girl who got hit with a bottle as a result of their fight.

7.) #ThrowbackThursday.

6.) Acne.

5.) This..

4.) Court dates.

3.) Jealous Ex-Girlfriends.

2.) Bath salts.

1.) Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS).

Summertime Sexy

DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince - Summertime 

Hello beautiful women, I'm here today to tell you that I've been on Instagram the past couple weeks, throwing water balloons full of thirst directly at your recently uploaded images. The timeline says it all, I don't have to step outside to tell you that the temperature is rising.

Now that June is here, your choice of clothing will be much more appreciated. Hopefully those legs don't see the inside of sweatpants for a few months, and your Uggs are in a closet somewhere singing "Gone til' November"


I don't know women's fashion for shit. Actually, I often get ridiculed when picking out things that I think would look good on a woman *shrugs* On second thought tho, I shouldn't know women's fashion... no man should. If you know women's fashion you a faggot. I didn't spend my youth falling off bicycles and scraping my knees so I could grow up and tell a female which blazer compliments her fucking scarf bruh.

Anyways, here are a few things I would like to see you ladies incorporate more into your wardrobe this summer..

  Sundress / Maxi Dress

The sundress is such a good look. It has such a magical way of disguising the flaws, and bringing out the best in those curves. Do you know how AWFUL of a shape you have to have to look bad in one of these?

The " Messy Bun " 

I know this isn't clothing, but the messy bun really the greatest thing that could ever happen to a woman's head. Well, actually... Nvm

             Yoga Pants

Who don't love yoga pants? Homosexual men, that's who. I been fooled a couple times by yoga pants tho.. Gift didn't look as good once the wrapping paper came off.

Bikinis

Bikini really the only form of fashion which allows it to be socially acceptable to wear a bra and underwear in public, Amen.

"Hey boo you need help with that lotion or nah?"

Things we need to get the fuck out of here...

Sideways texting

Please chill with this shit... You really purchased an iPhone with an unlimited data plan just to hold the shit perpendicular to your body while you text? Smh.. Steve Jobs didn't die on the cross for you to hold your phone sideways while delivering iMessages. Is the phone too heavy for you ? You feel as if you need both hands to properly secure its position ? Matter of fact.. If you do anything sideways you a faggot B. They don't make shit in an upright manner so that you can go and hold it sideways. Stop trying to be different.

IN NEED OF THIS NOW !

C1 ELECTRIC VEHICLE, LIT MOTORS INC.

If you can't get girls riding around in this then just give up on the game, cuz this is a pussy magnet. Just look at that shit zoom in and out of traffic and breeze through these streets. You pull up to the club in this, panties will drop. They'll ignore that 2013 Range Rover sitting next you, trust me! Just roll up to valet like its nothing and throw the guy your keys. Any ladies reading this that want to call me their boyfriend, heres a hint at an early Christmas present. This shit can go 120 mph too wtf, im out...

*Prosper of the Day*

Instagram: gissydoll

I don't know her real name, I don't care what her real name is, and I have come to accept the fact that I will only know her through Instagram. I have tried to express my unconditional love for her in the form of 'likes' and comments but I am just one voice in a sea of many. gissy if you out there ... call me?

 

Worlds Best Bartender ?!?!?

So at first you have to be amazed at this guys skills right? I mean I guess, yeah, but at the end of the day it took him 3:48 to make 3 drinks.  When im at the bar I could care less how many times you can juggle a vodka bottle, I'm usually already blacked out so just make my fuckin red bull & vodka and call it a wrap. You're not getting a good tip either way, your a dude making another dude a drink smfh. If this was a chick with double d's I could sit through the performance.... maybe.  He might be better off signing up for a juggling contest at the zoo or some shit. Like I legit had this dudes number dialed in my phone to bring him to our cookout in a few weeks, but then I relized its easier to pour our own shots and blackout quicker.

On another note everyone go follow and shoutout my boys birthday on twitter @NGuzman6187. Oh yeah and follow me, just because the drunk tweets will be 'pouring' in tonight @b1rdmann33

*Prosper of the Day*

"That 2:30 feeling" when we post the POTD. I know, I know, much anticipated.  Fuck a 5 hour energy, this will keep you up (literally) for the rest of the afternoon.



MELANIE COLLINS
Just another smoking hot sports reporter dating an NHL player. What else is new. I wonder if shes worthy of a battle with Erin Andrews . Future Blog Alert ?

                    

           

Safe sexting with SnapChat

Have you ever hesitated about sending nude/NSFW photos? Of course everyone has because of the simple fact that the receiver is most likley going to share it with his/her friends or worse even send it to others after a malicious fight. So here you have it, the app that makes you more willing to send those photos.

The app is pretty simple. You can send a picture, and have it self destruct in a matter of seconds. And for you sneaky bitches who try to screenshot everything, the sender gets a notification if a screenshot is being taken. So there you have it, start sending those nudes this way !

#HoesLove

Hoes Love

1.) Loving shit.

2.) Sleeping in.

3.) Screenshots of texts messages.

4.) Quotes.

5.) These things.

6.) Talking about going to the Gym.

7.) "I'd Cap That".

8.) Channing Tatum.

9.) Inside jokes.

10.) Sundresses. (#HeyBoo)

Full Time Prisoner

"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life"

- Confucius

Every morning at 7:00am my alarm clock goes off, and the thought of quitting my job usually follows shortly after. The reason is simple, I hate working. Actually, let me rephrase that, I hate working this dead end job. For 40 hours a week (over 2200 hours a year) I take orders from someone else. This can be degrading, because I feel like I have more brain power than half the people that work at my place of employment. Unfortuneatly, I don't have the degrees or the paperwork to back me up, so my opinion means absolutely nothing.

Monday through Friday I live life like a robot. Eat, work, eat, gym, eat, shower, sleep, repeat. Is that real life? Cuz I refuse to do that shit for the rest of mine. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people who would love my job. I sit at a desk, do minimal work, act busy, and spend most of my day reading blogs and tweeting, but that's just not for me. I have dreams, goals, and aspirations like everyone else, except mine don't involve time cards and sick days. My dreams are bigger. Maybe one of my ideas will blow up, maybe one of my friends brands will take off, or maybe I'll help out my friends life expectancy and find a cure for AIDS. One day I'll make the jump and try something crazy all off of an idea. I'll either end up being one of those success stories you read about, or you'll see me on the side of 290 panhandling with a beard, eating cat food.

How many times has a parent asked their child "What do you want to be when you grow up?" When's the last time the child answered "Insurance Sales" or "Customer Service"? Never. Because even a 6 year old with kool-aid stains all over his mouth can tell you that shit sucks. As children we have dreams of being great. As we mature, the reality of responsibilities, along with Sallie Mae's automatic withdrawals, quickly help those dreams fade.

I'm tired of dreading waking up in the morning to work, I feel like everyone should be able to wake up and be able to do something that they love. Life is way too short to spend countless hours doing a bunch of shit that you don't enjoy doing.

Pusha T - Exodus 23:1

"You can keep your beats n*gga, we much rather share your bitch n*gga... bitch n*gga!"

Work for it...

There is something about a working woman that is so appealing to me. By working I don't mean those 8 hours you accumulated last week at Papa Gino's.. I'm talking about a real working woman. 40 hour weeks and her priorities in order (#HeyBoos). There is nothing like going out with a female that not only has the money to pay for herself, but wants to. Besides, I didn't scrub dishes and vacuum for an allowance at the tender age of 12 so that I could grow up and spend my money on some lazy hood booger.

Let me also touch on the fact that women love to hold out. Something about not giving it up too fast excites them. I'm convinced the shit really makes them feel good inside. Woman, listen.. if you wanna feel good about yourself try this. Don't get me wrong, I'm a patient dude, and if I'm really feeling you I'll put in the time and effort to let you know that. But there is a big difference between waiting for 401k box, and waiting for "I'm chillin on the couch watching Love & Hip Hop about to smoke this L.." box.

The figure above shows my patience for you non-PTO having women. X-axis shows how many hours you got on your weekly time card, while the Y-axis illustrates my level of patience.

As you can see, if you're dog walking or baby sitting 1 or 2 nights a week you can withold that box from someone else, I ain't even trying to hear that. You start picking up shifts at that tanning salon and I'll wait a little longer. As the hours increase so does my thirst, along with my willingness to chill with you and do a bunch of shit I don't enjoy doing. You work 40+ hours and you're racking up overtime then I respect you and your box, we chillin. At some point though, I don't give a fuck how many hours you work or how early your bills get paid, I'm just not waiting anymore.

Just because I more often than not refer to women in derogatory manner, doesn't mean I don't respect you. I respect women and love you all just the same. Now go build that résumé and fuck on the first date...

Fashion Nonsense

I was inspired this weekend by horrible wardrobe malfunctions. There is something about 75 degree weather that brings out people's inner fuckin weirdo. The sun comes out and everyone needs to make a fashion statement.. Please help put an end to all of these.

1. Jean shorts.

The only people that should be wearing jean shorts are small children or old men. So if you aren't prepping for an MCAS test, or at a cookout with a handlebar mustache, take the jean shorts off. God created jeans to rest by your ankles, not your kneecaps.

2. Denim jumpsuits.

While we are on the topic of denim, let me please ask that no one ever think it's acceptable to slip on a denim jacket after putting on some jeans. You won't be taken seriously if you look live you've just been cut from a roll of denim. I don't care if you saw Chris Brown do it. He landed uppercuts on Rihanna and has bleach blond hair bruh. He can go dance in a corner, anything he does in life is irrelevant.

3. Socks in your boat shoes ?

  

(See above picture) No further explanation needed, just keep the socks out the Sperrys.

4. Fitted stickers

Don't disrespect your fitted like this bruh. Let the hat achieve greatness in society and remove that awkward sticker that covers 90% of the brim. And since we are peeling, get rid of the bar code sticker too, no one doing a price check.

5.Tucked in for the belt. 

 This one has to take the cake. You got guys out here tucking in a $6 Hanes t-shirt into a pair of vintage washed Old Navy jeans to show off a belt. Smh, go hang yourself with your Gucci belt.

Just look in the mirror bruh. And when in doubt, change clothes. There is no reason you should have your girl petrified while you're getting dressed before a night out.

Things we need to get the fuck out of here...

Snooze buttons.

After some nights I would rather hear the Lord himself call me upstairs over the sound of an alarm clock. They say normal, healthy people, should sleep between 8 and 9 hours every night. Sounds good, but if you're anything like me and you constantly find yourself staring into an empty bottle of liquor until the wee hours of the morning, then you're probably only getting about five or six. five or six bruh? That's an extended nap more than it is a complete nights sleep. So it's only natural that when 7:00am comes, and it does come fast, that I'm flying straight over to that snooze button...

Problem with the snooze button is it's addicting. Ain't no one ever hit the snooze one single time bruh. I usually hit the snooze even when I know I should already be up and dressed. <--- Problem. The snooze button has a weird way of making you think it's okay to keep sleeping.

It's got to the point where I am now setting 4 or 5 different alarms, all with their own individual snooze buttons. Sounds like a symphony in the bedroom bruh. Shit has me waking up with stress levels peaking. This is how real the struggle is..

I guess I can't blame it all on the snooze button, it's actually the entire alarm clock and the gruesome sounds that come along with it. I just wanna be woken up by doves soaring into my window and beautiful Dominican woman bringing me cups of fruit. If that's too much to ask then I don't know if this life is worth living. For now I guess I'll keep hitting the snooze button and continue this 6 month streak of being late for work.

Most common jobs for Women

Administrative Assistant -  okay so you basically answer phones all day and do everyone else in the office's bitch work, no but really thats it.

Waitress/Bartender - dress slutty, show some tits, and make strong drinks.  So much talent required, I swear.  You can even throw stripper in this category, but id have to say some of them have some real talent. If you don't believe me revert back to this post: Enjoy this.....

Tanning Salon - press a few buttons, collect some money, and tan for free.  The ideal job for any girl right? Half of them are on Facebook and Twitter the whole time anyways.

Meek Mill - Dreamchasers 2

Meeks tape dropped yesterday.. Maaan, listen. Meek you must have known we needed this. I don't care how many felonies this is going to inspire, this shit goes hard in the whip! I couldn't even tell you how many times I listened to tracks 1 through 5.. fire. The more I listen the more I keep getting the urge to rob a convenient store and buy a nice watch. Download here or here.

Scrambled Eggs & Strippers

So I wake up today around 12:30pm and begin my normal productive routine by making scrambled eggs for breakfast or brunch...whatever the fuck you wanna call it. Thats besides the point. As I'm going ham and squirting mad Frank's hot sauce all over my eggs (pause, just incase Seth is reading this) it gets me thinking about this past weekend and the party my friends had. It was Cinco de Mayo so shit is supposed to get a little weird, right? I recall going to fill my cup up from the keg when I see a washed up Carl Winslow blocking the door. Most people would probably question who this guy was but I assumed nothing of it with the type of characters I usually see at this house on the weekends. I soon came to realize that he was a bouncer/stripper body guard. I fill my cup up and figure hey what the hell free tits and ass to look at right? Nah bruh, I soon found myself feeling like I was in a cult or some shit at some undiscovered brothel dawg. These strippers were at the lowest end of the spectrum. One of them you could fit a tugboat between her tits and the other could've used a buffet of scrambled eggs she was so skinny. I proceeded to watch for a little drinking my beer, acting all manly and shit. It all just went down hill from there. One buddy was getting spanked crawling around the room barking and shit. I started getting stressed after a few minutes and figured maybe I could find some legit prosper upstairs so I left. I later came to find out that dudes paid money to get squirted on. I mean for real tho? These strippers were probably from Oxford, Massachusetts or some shit mind you. I wouldn't even consider being paid to be squirted on never mind tossing them money to do it to me. So it got me thinking is it unmanly to not enjoy a stripper session? Am I losing my mind? I just booked an appointment with a psychiatrist cuz I'm stressed that something is wrong with me...

In case you missed it....

The other night when the Nuggets played the Lakers a random women wandered onto the court during the 2nd quarter.  The rumor is that she has a history of stalking Denver Nuggets players, YES nuggets players, dont ask why she chose that team but she did.  She was attempting to ask Ty Lawson where Kenyon Martin was.  Kenyon Martin plays for the Clippers, and has not played for Denver since last year.  I mean i've dealt with my share of crazy women in my life, but this bitch took it wayyyy to far, running on court during a live nba game WTF lol.  If I was Martin I'd start running now before she makes her way to LA.

*Prosper of the Day*

India de Beaufort

Simply gorgeous, theres really no other way to describe this chick.  She's not the most well known actress, but damn that body will get her known reallllll quick in my book.  If you haven't seen her spread in Maxim, please do so soon, youll enjoy it!!! Anyways here some more pics.