E-mails from an Asshole

Original ad:

**** Disguisable weapons wanted ****

Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.....

Offering: cash, items for barter

From Me to **********@***********.org (Jeff):

Hey,
I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike


From Jeff to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.


From Me to Jeff:

Jeff,
Here you go:



Looks like a normal spoon, right?



Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike


From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.


From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,
I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.

Mike



From Jeff ****** to Me:

fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can fuck off.


From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,
Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:



At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.



Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.



This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

Let me know if you want any of these items.

Thanks,

Mike


From Jeff ****** to Me:

youre a fucking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother fucker. I hope you get hit by a car. fuck off, eat shit, and die.

10 things better than the Drake and Chris Brown fight

" It's been reported that Drake approached Brown, and they began arguing about Rihanna. That’s when Drake allegedly threw the first two blows at Brown, once in the face and then again with a bottle to his mouth.

Supposedly, the bottle Drake threw at Chris included an angry note which read, “I’m fucking the love of your life deal with it!” "

Here is a short list of things I think are better than the Brown and Drake beef...

10.) Accidental pregnancy.

9.)  Alarm clocks on Monday mornings.

8.) The girl who got hit with a bottle as a result of their fight.

7.) #ThrowbackThursday.

6.) Acne.

5.) This..

4.) Court dates.

3.) Jealous Ex-Girlfriends.

2.) Bath salts.

1.) Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS).

Summertime Sexy

DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince - Summertime 

Hello beautiful women, I'm here today to tell you that I've been on Instagram the past couple weeks, throwing water balloons full of thirst directly at your recently uploaded images. The timeline says it all, I don't have to step outside to tell you that the temperature is rising.

Now that June is here, your choice of clothing will be much more appreciated. Hopefully those legs don't see the inside of sweatpants for a few months, and your Uggs are in a closet somewhere singing "Gone til' November"


I don't know women's fashion for shit. Actually, I often get ridiculed when picking out things that I think would look good on a woman *shrugs* On second thought tho, I shouldn't know women's fashion... no man should. If you know women's fashion you a faggot. I didn't spend my youth falling off bicycles and scraping my knees so I could grow up and tell a female which blazer compliments her fucking scarf bruh.

Anyways, here are a few things I would like to see you ladies incorporate more into your wardrobe this summer..

  Sundress / Maxi Dress

The sundress is such a good look. It has such a magical way of disguising the flaws, and bringing out the best in those curves. Do you know how AWFUL of a shape you have to have to look bad in one of these?

The " Messy Bun " 

I know this isn't clothing, but the messy bun really the greatest thing that could ever happen to a woman's head. Well, actually... Nvm

             Yoga Pants

Who don't love yoga pants? Homosexual men, that's who. I been fooled a couple times by yoga pants tho.. Gift didn't look as good once the wrapping paper came off.

Bikinis

Bikini really the only form of fashion which allows it to be socially acceptable to wear a bra and underwear in public, Amen.

"Hey boo you need help with that lotion or nah?"

Things we need to get the fuck out of here...

Sideways texting

Please chill with this shit... You really purchased an iPhone with an unlimited data plan just to hold the shit perpendicular to your body while you text? Smh.. Steve Jobs didn't die on the cross for you to hold your phone sideways while delivering iMessages. Is the phone too heavy for you ? You feel as if you need both hands to properly secure its position ? Matter of fact.. If you do anything sideways you a faggot B. They don't make shit in an upright manner so that you can go and hold it sideways. Stop trying to be different.

IN NEED OF THIS NOW !

C1 ELECTRIC VEHICLE, LIT MOTORS INC.

If you can't get girls riding around in this then just give up on the game, cuz this is a pussy magnet. Just look at that shit zoom in and out of traffic and breeze through these streets. You pull up to the club in this, panties will drop. They'll ignore that 2013 Range Rover sitting next you, trust me! Just roll up to valet like its nothing and throw the guy your keys. Any ladies reading this that want to call me their boyfriend, heres a hint at an early Christmas present. This shit can go 120 mph too wtf, im out...

*Prosper of the Day*

Instagram: gissydoll

I don't know her real name, I don't care what her real name is, and I have come to accept the fact that I will only know her through Instagram. I have tried to express my unconditional love for her in the form of 'likes' and comments but I am just one voice in a sea of many. gissy if you out there ... call me?

 

Worlds Best Bartender ?!?!?

So at first you have to be amazed at this guys skills right? I mean I guess, yeah, but at the end of the day it took him 3:48 to make 3 drinks.  When im at the bar I could care less how many times you can juggle a vodka bottle, I'm usually already blacked out so just make my fuckin red bull & vodka and call it a wrap. You're not getting a good tip either way, your a dude making another dude a drink smfh. If this was a chick with double d's I could sit through the performance.... maybe.  He might be better off signing up for a juggling contest at the zoo or some shit. Like I legit had this dudes number dialed in my phone to bring him to our cookout in a few weeks, but then I relized its easier to pour our own shots and blackout quicker.

On another note everyone go follow and shoutout my boys birthday on twitter @NGuzman6187. Oh yeah and follow me, just because the drunk tweets will be 'pouring' in tonight @b1rdmann33